Wednesday, September 17, 2008

"Next time, i'll FUCKING STAB YOU."

ok ok, so i'll try to keep this cut & dry:

so ive been working on a new portfolio for a competition's entry. i (happily) pulled off an all-knighter completing it, then prepped to bike over the manhattan bridge to KINKOS (aka Stinkos) in Columbus Circle (that's 59th/central park, folks) at 6AM.

Let's begin:
The ride up took me about an hour - it was maaaaaarvelous! The weather, the (no)people, so great. Across the street from Kinkos there's a DuaneReade so i stopped in there to hydrate and pick up some goodies.

When i got to the register, i realised that i FORGOT MY $$$ (and card/id)! Doh!
...thankfully, i didnt have to pay for my order until pickup. whew!

So, i placed my order and was scheduled to return at 6PM to see a proof.
I head back to Brooklyn while the sun arose. yes, still amazing.
then, out of delirium, i collapse all over myself halfway across the bridge! haha. i just layed there laughing (and managed to shimmy my phone out of my jeans for this pic).
I finally get home round 7:30AM and pass out 'round 8:30AM...................sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.................then wake up and meet Bahareh & Lisa in Cobble Hill for their lunch/my breakfast at 3PM.
I then bike back over the manhattan bridge again for my 6PM appointment at Kinkos. I get there and of course there's a massive line. Finally, it's my turn up at the desk so i tell the person (its a new shift of employees) my name.
She CANNOT FIND MY NAME. uhm....ok. So, i then tell her my filename, order, time i placed the order and after 15 minutes of 3 of them running around looking under scrap paper they find my order....which is UNDER MY SISTER'S NAME!

Darlye lives in Pheonix.

H'anyway, we cleared that up and they said they'd have my book ready by midnight. Now, with my NEW situation, i meet up with Guillo and we decide to see an impromptu movie - the timing seemed to be perfect.

We walk up to the theater on 68th & Broadway for 'Burn After Reading'.
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We're 5mins late into the movie. Lights are out - movie's in full swing. I see 2 open spots in between two sets of couples, so we quietly excuse ourselves into the vacant seats.

Now, the guy i was about to sit next to had a baseball cap, jacket and i think a sweater on the armchair between us. BEFORE i even place my ass cheeks in my chair he says, "Hey, i have my shit here". I reply (while sitting), "no worries, man."...and he removes it all on his own account.

"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?!! FUCK YOU!!", now remember the movie going on and we JUST sat down and this dude is straight out yelling in my face. I mean the tip of his nose is touching my cheek!

(damn, i wish i could film myself doing this as a monologue - so much better)

Anyway, you can imagine my shock, i reactively get back in his face, "ey! calm the fuck down! christ, i didnt say shit to you - i didnt tell you to move your shit - just relax and watch the goddamn movie."

The funny/awkward thing is that ive never been in a situation where i had to simultaneously scream and whisper at someone. ha

Of course this muscle skull doesnt let down, "you telling ME to calm down?!! FUCK YOU. I'll fucking kick your motherfucking ass - you fucking need to learn some respect!! Let's take this outside right now....let's GO! RIGHT NOW."...he actually stood up, prepared to lead the way out. He eventually sits back down - even more heated that i didnt get up - and continues yelling at me.....and i periodically look at him saying, "dude, really? Are you REALLY serious?!! REALLLY??!!"

And that he was. Each time. Dead fucking serious. Ok, so its logic (me) vs Testosterone (that'd be the deuschbag).

Now, there's no way in hell im paying $12 to most likely get my ass kicked. Plus, i heard decent reviews about this movie. Guillo, amazed that this dude's still pursuing a fight with me, leans over in an attempt to put a lid on the situation....this doesnt work.

I now phase into 'ignore the obnoxious child' mode. We're all familiar with this mode. Also, keep in mind that this guys ON / A / DATE! This chick's just sitting there....not a word.

Ok, after a while he shuts the fuck up and i pretend to have my complete attention on the movie. What's going through my mind: hmmm....i actually have to fight someone. hooray.

.....about an hour into the film he gets up to pee or whatever. Of course, he has to pass through me. I adjust my legs so he can get by and you know what he does? This embacile BENDS OVER (the movie's still going) right up to my face and says, "..you think i forgot about you?! i didnt forget about you - i'll take care of you after the movie....."

i say, "yeah yeah - whatever, i'll be here...", while looking passed him to keep my attention on the screen while eating popcorn flagrantly. Of course, this pisses him off more - he then carries on by.
It all then sinks in - that this fool is really ready to throw down and i just CANNOT LOSE; I gotta get to Kinkos. And i surely cant hit him first - fuck no. I had to defend myself. So, since i had my bookbag with me i started going through my pens and markers looking for the sharpest point.
NOTE: Imagine going to see a movie...just like any regular movie and the next thing you know you're sitting in that movie looking for a weapon to defend yourself. Think about thinking about how its gonna feel to shove a fucking object into someone's neck, breaking the skin, puncturing flesh, blood splattering all over your clothes and popcorn. Then, think about concentrating on how it might actually all play out and how much control isnt yours at all.And what your police report will be...and....and....and...

yeah, that's what i was doing for about an hour during a fucking comedic film! I had to man-up on the spot. tragic.

Ok, so the fucker comes back....sits down without a word. Now I've been gripping this uncapped pen in my pocket 'prepared' for anything. 45 mins later the movie's up.........................................................................................................................................................end credits start rolling, house lights still down. I try to come off as nonchalant as possible, checking my phone, slouching in my chair, chuckling with Guillo, etc - unphased by this crackhead's antics....THEN BOOM!

He shoves his face into mine (again), "you better learn your manners....because i swear..." THIS IS WHEN HE PULLED OUT A KNIFE AND PLACED IT LESS THAN AN INCH AWAY FROM MY NECK...."...next time, i'll FUCKING STAB YOU."

AT THE MOVIES!!! really?

Guillo and i quickly react, both grabbing his arms and pushing him back off away from me. So now it seems like we're back at the begining - this time, with a knife...and this time - im REALLY fucking pissed. In all actuality this little fuck is just that and im a foot and change above him. Im in his face (i think after a few seconds he put his knife away) and the three of us are just in each others faces and he's just standing there...grinning, "yeah...yeah, no you know". I could see how gratified he was that he threatened someones life - in public. He was glowing....so proud of himself, flacid no more.

About 50 people were still seated. Not a witness in sight.

The idiot and his idiot girl then leave.....afterwards Guillo and i then realize what just went down. Then it all sunk in....holy fuck.

We waited about 5 mins in the theater to calm down...."what the fuck?! REALLY?!!" And my defensive pen plan went to shit! haha. When i saw his blade coming at me my instinct was to get him the fuck away from me - not STAB HIM BEFORE HE STABS ME. ha, yeah fucking right - what was i thinking? oh yeah - i was thinking about my LIFE.

ok - so that's that. Guillo, aka My Favorite Bodyguard, headed out of the theater looking at every corner expecting that psycho leprochaun to jump out to finish me off. It's now midnight and we walk back a couple blocks down to the Kinkos and all im thinking is, "they BETTER friggin have my book ready this time."

We get there: CLUSTERFUCK (again!)
Nobody knows shit. They didnt even PRINT my book when i arrived - it was 12:15AM. Remember, this all started at 6AM the same day and i still have NOTHING from them. It then took them 30mins to print it...then forever to bind it, fuck that up, re-bind it, smudge that, do it over...etc.

Once i finally got my 2 copies of my book i TOLD them im paying for one. "Uhm...sir, you're just gonna get one now?"...."No, im PAYING for one and im taking BOTH," i told the idiot. He slothly (at least he's consistent) walks over to the 'other idiot' and tells him what i said. He comes back to me at the desk and says to me - square in the eyes, "You'll have to come back when a manager is here in order to do that."

WHAUT?!!

I dont think i ever looked at anyone the way i looked at that dude. Mutherfucker, YOU screwed up SEQUENTIALLY All Fucking Day.....and you think that im gonna come back for a discount?! Wow.

Now, while we're enjoying a stare-off a homeless woman walks into the store. The other dude screams at her, "not tonight, not tonight, ok!!". In the frame of seconds she walks up to the other counter, grabs the bathroom key (which is tied to a floppy metallic yardstick) and start WACKING the shit out of the other employee, screaming "you need to respect me tonight! im a costumer tonight!!"

WTF!! haha
She got at least 3 good hits to his face, making marvelous music with that dangling key.

My guy shoots over to the other side of the room to hold back the guy that she was assaulting.....and i look down...and there, are the two shitty copies of my portfolio that ive biked who knows how many miles for, almost got stabbed for, wasted 'quality time' with my wife for....sitting right there.

And with one statement, "fuck this" i grab em, grab my bookbag off the floor, grab my bike that i drug into the store earlier - and bolted out of there before they could notice.

I turn the corner, once again at DuaneReade, and get my things in order for the bike ride back to Brooklyn. I then reach in my pocket to call Bahareh to tell her what just went down.

*POOF*

I forgot that i left my charger - phone attached - plugged into an outlet BACK AT KINKOS!

UGH. When does this day end?!

yep...i had to walk BACK to the place where i just ran out on the bill. Christ. Soon as i walk in and the guy that was getting hit says to me, "Sir, we apologize for the inconvenience - please, just have a nice day."

(so now they didnt need a manager for that, eh?)

"...uhm, ok."...."thanks?". I hurry to the back and get my phone and then i that hell hole....just in time - the pigs arrive.

whew - nothing to do with me.
I get home round 3AM on Wednesday morning.

1 Crazy Day.

2 Shitty Portfolios (free, though)
3-5 Hilarious Stories

oh, Tuesdays.

Hope you enjoyed the story(ies) folks! Twas fucking intense.
[ wish me luck ]

the full moon needs to rest,
- jelsen

7 comments:

mr. mundo said...

DaaaaAAAAYUUUMMMNNNN gina

Claire said...

unbelievable.

Nia said...

LM*fucking*AO!!!!!!!!! lol hahahaha...ok ok im done...no wait AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! That did not really ALL happen to you in one day, that only happens in the movie really?!? all this for some damn kinkos ...sigh* if i could i would give you a hug

ghersionmyjersey said...

wow.

Simon Benjamin said...

maaad. Next time a dude gets that close to you, bite him!

Candice said...

That just went straight into the 'F'd-Up Jelsen Stories' file cabinet in my brain. Feels squishy.

LICHIBAN said...

dammm, Jels...this is craaayzy! must have been the most intense movie experience playing out different fight (and flight) scenarios while watching the film...whew!

the portfolio is beautiful though...stuff this great is worth a lil 'hard-to-get'